Umney's Alley - 2004's thoughts

November 3, 2004 - I don't even want to talk about it. I'm moving to Atlantis. That's the only possible alternative that I see. *sigh* Between all the gay marriage amendments and Bush being back in office, I'm a bit depressed today. I know, it may not be as bad as I fear it will...but it would be nice to not have to worry about it at all. Okay--enough. I try to avoid preaching, but I'm just bummed by all this...I really hoped we had a chance. *sigh*

Could be worse, I suppose...it could be raining...wait...it is. Crap.

On the upshot, got my digital camera today...will be getting pics up fairly soon--my family rules, and this will be a great wedding present. So at least something good came of today...

October 28, 2004 - No intro for this. You'll deal.

Yesterday, one of my kids called me the "coolest white guy" he knows. Funnier, when you know it comes from a white kid. I don't quite know how to take it, but I want it as the epitaph on my tombstone when I die...
Tomorrow, for Halloween, my kids want to dress me up as a thug. Should be interesting, and yes, I will be getting pictures up if I can...
According to the IMDb, there was a poll in Britain as to the most evil villain for the year in film. The winner? George W. Bush, for his performance in Fahrenheit 9/11. What? I think it's hilarious. He beat out Leatherface and Doc Ock, people! How great is that?
Finally, I need someone to buy me this. This, according to my inner film geek (I don't think there's much of an outer anything else, tho) is perhaps the most awesome thing ever to go on sale on Amazon. We needs it, precious...we needs it...

October 20, 2004 - A few odds and ends to get up here, with the first item being one of the greatest joys of my week, and perhaps my favorite piece in news-magazine history.

This past Friday, Jon Stewart (of The Daily Show, the funniest show on television right now) appeared on CNN's "debate" show, Crossfire. Now, some of you who know Stewart and his opinions might find this odd, since a) he's hugely critical of mainstream media, and b) he's made it known, on multiple occasions, how much he hates Crossfire. So isn't his appearance on this show a bit hypocritical?

HELL, NO. What followed was the greatest fifteen minutes of television in YEARS, as Stewart mocked, ridiculed, attacked, reamed, and completely owned the Crossfire gang on their own show. His attacks were smart, vicious, and absolutely hilarious, and the video is my number one example of reasons I love Jon Stewart. If you missed it, do yourself a favor and watch this crappy streaming video (hosted by the increasingly awful iFilm). If you can't do that, at least go here and read the transcript. Stewart's part begins about halfway down, and the transcript--I was wrong--DOES contain the following beautiful exchange:

Carlson, to Stewart: "I do think you're more fun on your show. Just my opinion."
Stewart: "You know what's interesting though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show."
As for other business...you know, I don't have much to say. The job is going well--still a bit stressful, but a lot of fun. The classroom is all set up the way I like it, and the kids seem to be enjoying the curriculum I've designed. I haven't had to kick too many other people out of the room, and overall, I'm really, really happy there. (Speaking of which, a very good friend of mine, Ryan, has recently escaped from New Horizons--give him a hand, everybody!) So life is good.
Wedding planning remains unfun. No more to say. Less than two months to go...
GO RED SOX. That's all that needs to be said there. I hate the friggin' Yankees, and even tho I'm not the world's biggest sports enthusiast, I want the Yankees to lose, I want the underdog to win, and I want Stephen King's book about this season to be an amazing read. So, again, GO SOX.
There is no last point. Return to your regularly scheduled lives now.

October 2, 2004 - Wow. Been a long time since I put anything up on the thoughts page over here. I would say that it's sad, but no one really reads it anyways. Oh well--just some general news updates regarding the life of the Josh:

First, the biggest news: I have resigned my position at New Horizons. I can't say that I regret it too much--honestly, it was a great job, but the pay was awful. (It would have been a great job if I could have won the lottery.) Add into that the complete lack of opportunity for advancement, and, well, you can understand why I left...(although I feel bad for the people left in my wake and the screwing they're getting--sorry, Becky and Ryan...)

So what am I doing now, you ask? Well, I'm teaching "at risk" kids--that is, kids who are court ordered to be in school. The place is called Montgomery County Teen Learning Center, and it's in Clarksville, Tennessee (a bit of a drive, yes, but always opposite the flow of traffic).

The job is, to put it mildly, a bit stressful. The kids can be a bit of a handful, although not as bad as I thought at first--I only had to kick a student out of class twice in my first week! (Honestly, I expected worse.) The hardest part has been adjusting to having my own classroom, and it hasn't helped that I've taken over for a teacher who had been there for some time. On my first day, she turned to me and said, "Well, I want you to get used to the classroom, so it's all yours!" That left me scrambling to study what I would be teaching, figure out the center's rules, deal with the kids, and figure out her fairly random system of organization. Blech.

Still, the first week is under my belt, and although it wasn't without stress (the aforementioned student removal is a story unto itself--suffice to say, it involves two flamboyantly gay high school males, one of whom was apparently practicing his stripper moves, and me being told to place my opinions in an uncomfortable place), I've made it through, and I really like the job. The kids are great, and I'm finally getting the hang of Ms. Cori's arcane arrangement of classroom items. What's nicer, this coming Friday is final exams for the term, followed by a week-long break, during which I can re-arrange the classroom to my liking, as well as come up with my own curriculum. A huge relief. But for now, the job is coming along--a little stressful, but I'm a lot happier than I was at New Horizons, and that's all that really matters to me right now.
Other news: I am in my new house, and quite content. I don't miss apartment living. The move is at least finished, and all my boxes are unpacked. The house is far from arranged, but still, it's livable. And the best part--the house came with satellite TV, and a DVR unit! Let me tell you, it is absolutely awesome. I'm still not quite over the coolness of being able to pause live television. Not to even mention that I can have up to 100 hours of television recorded without using a single tape...oooh, life is sweet. (BTW, if you have HBO and you're not watching The Wire, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Go start, dammit. Actually, it probably won't make any sense to you...but you should be. It's still one of the best shows on television, and easily the best police show of all time.)

The house itself is nice--three bedroom, a garage which has been converted to a spare room, nice hardwood floors (nothing is more entertaining than watching my kitten Tweak try to master hardwood floors--a lot of skidding is involved), lots of windows...all in all, a great place. It'll be nicer when Maria can be here, but I'll manage for now...weird being in a big house by myself, but only a few more months (more on the wedding plans later)...
Saw a couple of concerts over the last two months. The by far more ass-kicking of the two was Butch Walker, the former lead singer of the late, great Marvelous 3. Walker is among the best performers I've ever seen--he loves being up there, and he can rock your ass off. He also does a killer acoustic set. I've seen him (or his band) three times now, and am planning on seeing him again when he comes back for another acoustic set.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I saw Live recently, and it was pretty sad. I remember seeing them about 5 years ago, and they were on fire--a killer show on every level, and their enthusiasm was infectious. This show was a monstrous letdown--they seemed really bored as they performed, completely apathetic towards the crowd and their music, and all around just dull and completely devoid of any musical interest. It was as if all their fire got sapped out when their singer became a father (something one of my best friends joked, as well--the birth of his daughter gave the singer religion, but it really killed their music). I think their time has come and gone--a sad thing to have to admit about a band who, for a while, were among the best around.
There's much more to say, but this has gone on long enough. (Oh, yes, wedding planning is coming along. December 18th is the date, and my honeymoon cruise leaves two days later. Otherwise, it's just lots and lots and lots and lots of dull, dull planning, so you'll forgive me for not talking too much about it here.) Anyways, thanks for reading (if you did), and I'm sure there will be more later (I'm going to do my best to keep updating this more frequently from now on)...

July 26, 2004 - In an effort to answer a long standing question I get asked WAY too often--that is, "Why in the hell is your site called ClydeUmney.net, if your name isn't Clyde or Umney?", I stumbled across an online version of the story that inspired the name. The story is called "Umney's Last Case," by Stephen King, and it's from his book Nightmares and Dreamscapes. But for you lucky people, here's the link for your own enjoyment! (BTW, the story is about seven chapters, so set aside some time for it. But it's worth it, I think.) Anyways, enjoy.

July 7, 2004 - Yes, this is late. Bite me. Some of us have to, you know, work. But it's up, and better late then never.

As of July 4, I am officially engaged to be married to my girlfriend, Maria Margaret Mills. I asked her at a party thrown by one of my best friends; she accepted, clearly, and what you see to the right is seconds after the proposal. Yes, I'm ridiculously happy about it; no, we don't know when the date is. But thanks for your thoughts, and I will keep anyone who cares updated via this page as I can. Mainly, I'm just really, really happy about it. (If you want a couple of other pictures, feel free to click on the picture to the left; it's a link to a page with more images from the night in question.)

May 15, 2004 (Part 2)- Just had two links I had to put up here.

First of all, the Homeland Security folks finally put a handy terrorist guide up out here on the web. But the picture out there are so ambiguous. For instance, the site's caption for the picture to the right is "Face away from windows and glass. Move away from exterior walls." But that doesn't ring true with me. I think this website did a great job of revealing the twisted, true captions for all of them, though...for example, its caption for the picture to the right is "If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit." Seems more accurate, doesn't it?
Collect action figures? Well, even if you don't, you should investigate this site and its commercial, As the site says, "It's like The Passion without the hassle!"

May 15, 2004 - So I just got back from a double feature movie at the local drive-in theater (it's called the Stardust Drive-In). Ria and I saw two movies--Van Helsing and Hellboy--for 12 dollars total admission price. Concessions were insanely cheap. It was a really good time, and I can't say enough how much I would tell other people to go and check this place out. The price is great, the atmosphere is fun, and I didn't have to hear a single jerk's cell phone ring once. A good time--well worth the extra time it takes to drive a little ways out of town. I'm always happy to see some kind of indie movie theater make a go at it, and I can say that the owner of this place--who comes out and chats with everyone--seems really excited about the whole thing. Not that you'll listen to me, but go out and see it sometime.

May 10, 2004 - In an act of divinely punishable hubris, I decided to actually put a picture of myself (and my lovely girlfriend) out on the Web (see next entry, below). Now, I know the Internet well by this point in my life; I should have known better than to tempt those who lie in wait, lurking and hoping for their chance to pounce, to wraek their technological havoc. And yet, I did not think of these troubled souls, nor of their possible villanies. As a result, I have learned, thanks to a troubling (and fairly entertaining) set of images, located here. Enjoy, and learn from my foolishness.

May 5, 2004 - Just another miscellaneous batch of joys for you.

You know, whatever else you think of the ad, honestly, he's right.
Sometimes, the news is just freaky.
This guy is my new personal hero. Hilarious.
Sometimes, products (such as the one to the left) are just destined to be misused.
And, finally...for what it's worth, a picture of Maria and I from the Renaissance Festival. Yeah...just let it go. Please. (Incidentally, the picture's about 234K or so, so give it some time.)

May 3, 2004 - Just got back from a book signing by John Connolly (who wrote the books Every Dead Thing, Dark Hollow, The Killing Kind, The White Road, and Bad Men), and it was a really great night. Connolly is absolutely hilarious, a fact which doesn't always show through in his relentlessly nightmarish fiction, but he's quick to dish out one-liners or just go on these bizarre tangents, my favorite being his rant on The Da Vinci Code. But beyond that, he's very entertaining as a speaker, as well as being extremely kind and thoughtful. He repeatedly thanked his small group out at Davis Kidd for showing up and simply for helping his career along. Plus, he was very polite and kind to me, as well as writing me a very nice and relatively lengthy (as compared to most book signings I've been to) personal inscription in my copy of Bad Men. All in all, a really nice night; if he ever comes to your town, it's well worth going to check the guy out (his website, with schedule, is here), not to mention his books, which I still say are among the best thrillers I have ever read, in terms not only of their plots, but of their tone, writing ability, and power to affect the reader, be it inducing fear or moving emotionally. Anyways, just my .02--have a nice night, all...

March 25, 2004 - Not much to say today...just a couple of links to share...I mean, not that anyone reads this, but, hey, it makes me feel better...

Gotta love public schools. Hey, let's punish and fear imagination! That kind of material never leads to literature! *sigh* This is just depressing...and I thought universities were better than this...
Something more fun: a really interesting and neat music video, from the guy who brought you Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Finally, some zen 404 pages...refresh to get some more...

March 22, 2004 - Just a few thoughts to share today...

The main thing I want to say: HAS NO ONE ELSE SEEN THIS STORY? Why is the nation not pissed off about this? This is absolutely horrifying...how can an administration get away with this, and why don't people know about it? I never even heard about it until it hit The Daily Show...The DAILY SHOW, PEOPLE! It's a great show and all, but why should I not hear news until it hits comedy shows (and, by the way, they did a great job of covering this story)? Is it because the news media didn't want to admit they got had? I just don't understand why the American public isn't up in arms about this...I mean, THEY FAKED THE NEWS TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK BETTER? Sorry, this just pisses me off so much...I really gotta move on to something more fun to talk about...
On a more entertaining note, I saw Dawn of the Dead (the remake) today...and let me say, it's hard to sit down afterward, because it will rock your ass off. It's easily the best horror movie in years--a pure thrill machine. It is unrelenting and unmerciful--that is, if you're used to the clean, sanitized horror of Scream or even the dullness that was Cabin Fever--oh, this is something wholly else...horror without a conscience.
Finally, if you're not watching The Sopranos, you're missing the best show on television. The show finally has returned to what made it awesome in the first season--the perfect balance of family and The Family. It's always been the best show on TV, and its current season is (so far) as good as it's ever been. Why are you even reading this? Go get HBO, dammit!

March 18, 2004 - I am really, really sick of hearing about The Passion of the Christ. And yet, I was reading my Entertainment Weekly this week, and came across the latest column by Stephen King. What I feared would be simply more reaction and opinion about the movie became something more interesting, and more critical...and raises a lot of good points that seem to be forgotten in the rush to talk about the film itself--points about the morality of the film itself, about the hypocrisy of much of the film's audience, and about the actual message of the movie...anyways, just check out the well-written article for yourself...

March 6, 2004 - On this, the last day before my richly deserved vacation (if I say so myself, which of course I do--it's my website, after all), thought I'd toss out one more bizarre thought for the log. The link is to a really, really fun commercial...I don't want to say too much about it, but let me tell you--this explains all sorts of stuff about the Mars missions...
...and, on a far different note, just checked out a really surreal flick, The Ruling Class...if nothing else, I haven't laughed that hard at a movie in a long time, but the shifts in tone and style are jarring, to say the least. It would make a fascinating companion piece to American Psycho, in a lot of ways...a similar notion of murder and madness as a metaphor for a social system. Both, as well, are hilarious in one light, chilling in another. Anyways, a really great film, at least as minor overlooked classics go...

February 19, 2004 - At last, the web has offered up an answer to the age-old question: "Where, exactly, is the strangest soy sauce ad ever seen?" Well, it's here...and, man, is it frightening. And, trust me...it's completely incomprehensible. Why are there men shooting lasers from their nipples? How did so many people get different food items for their heads? And why, oh why, does the cat...well, just watch. And wonder at the questions this poses, not the least of which is "How in the hell does this sell soy sauce?" If there were ever confirmation of the gap between Eastern and Western culture, this is it. (Also, beware of how damn catchy the song is...I've been singing it for days...*sigh*)

February 9, 2004 (Part 2) - Just watched some of the footage from Bush's interview on "Meet the Press". I swear to you, this came directly from it...regarding the congressional committee to investigate intelligence failures:

"Will you testify before this committee?"
"This committee? I mean...I may visit with them."

"Visit with them". Brilliant. I don't even know what I can add to that. How depressing that this man runs our country. The interview, by the way, is hilarious...a great symbol of avoidance, talking points, and BS that has come to pass for Bush's politics. Just great.

February 9, 2004 - At last, I'm about ready to actually put this thing out on the web. To this point, it's been surviving on a folder on my computer, and I've finally found something I like enough to put out there. To be sure, it's hardly perfect, but for a first effort, I'm pretty happy with it. We'll see who has what to say (which is why I send it to my mom, as I know that'll always result in good feedback!), but, after fighting it for so long, I'll finally have something out there on the web, for better or for worse...

February 7, 2004 - A stunning, stunning link I found tonight. Some guy has taken the trailer for The Passion of the Christ and nicely re-edited it, adding in the music from the trailer for Kill Bill, as well as tweaking a couple of visuals (notably adding one brilliant tagline). The result is absolutely hilarious, and nicely pokes some well-deserved fun at Gibson's ultra-serious, ultra-violent trailer. Well worth a watch.

February 4, 2004 - Rewatched Man Bites Dog today, and found it just as bizarrely unsettling as an experience as last time. As is my custom, went to the IMDb to check out the reviews and whatnot. Got to looking at the message boards on it, and was kinda disturbed to see how many people called it "one of the funniest films of all time". I mean, the film is not without a certain gallows sense of humor, don't get me wrong. But the humor is more in the twisted morality of Benoit, and sometimes the relationship with the media, than in the plot itself. These people seemed to find all the violence itself pretty amusing, and that's what bothers me. I like horror films because of the visceral thrill, and because of the confrontation with mortality...what I don't get is the people who get all giddy at the deaths...I don't know. That's not even fair...because a good dark comedy makes death emtertaining, and can even make it funny...but when it's presented as realistically as in MBD...it's like the people who go see Texas Chainsaw Massacre and complain that it's not gory enough (more thinking of the remake here, and the people who found it hilariously violent, or the director using a hole in the head for a cinematic "money shot"). I don't get that attitude, and it bothers me, thinking of people who just find sadistic violence really funny or entertaining...I know it's kind of a double standard...but there's a line, and, hey, I see it, even if no one else does.

January 18, 2004 - Finally decided to sit down and start making this website. Not entirely sure how far it'll go, but for now it's an interesting experiment in seeing if I have anything worthwhile to say. Also kinda fun to create something new, although not so much fun to explain to the kitten that I don't always need his help when working with the mouse. Oh well...onward and upward.